I'm sick of messing around. It's like this....

In my opinion there are a few things that need to be sorted out before people hook up. These are very vital points that are often not dealt with until after the fact. By then, it's too late and you could already be feeling weary that it was a waste of time. There is nothing worse than built up sexual anticipation only to have it fall flat faster than a drunk girl wearing 5 inch heels. Here are my learned lessons, vital to any rendezvous meant to live up to your plotted fantasy sexcapade. All I ask for is good sex. Pay attention.

1.) No matter how hard this may be, men, tell the woman how long you normally last. If it's less than five minutes, she will hate you, curse you and have nothing but repulsion for you. A second hit will not happen. If she is warned in advance, you might still get a chance and you might get a second and third and fourth visit. But, if she is not warned, it's a major let down and it will never happen again, period. It doesn't matter what foreplay might exist, if she orders a piece of chocolate cake and instead gets a rice cake, it's just not happening. Warn her, she'll appreciate it. If you can go longer than five minutes, no warning necessary, your work will speak for itself. 5 minutes is still pretty bad though so try to work on that. 10 minutes, you’ll be appreciated. 15 minutes, she will be back on it within seconds of your recovery. And that’s another note – warn her if you are a one hit wonder. Honesty is the best policy when it comes to getting tail.

2.) Women, get it right. Some guys like weird shapes. Some like it bare. Some, unbelievably, like it 70s style. I suggest never to go that route. But hey, you never know what he might like, so just ask. Just like point number one, you don't like minutemen, we don't like serving as temporary forest rangers. Shave it off, all of it. Ask him if he likes it. If he doesn't, he'll tell you. If he wants a landing strip, give him one. The bottom line - Do what he wants if you want it poked, prodded or entered. There are no exceptions to the rule. There’s nothing worse than ‘going there’ and regretting it before you even get it in.

The rest of it - As long as it's shaved the rest of how it looks doesn't matter. Nobody really cares how your lady bits look other than you and your gyno. Some like them big, some like them little, most men don't care as long as they hit the button. The only lips they really care about are the ones on your face as long as you follow number 4.

Clueless dudes should also take note in this section and use a scissors accordingly.

3.) What is the status? Are we dating? Are we now a couple? Are we bed buddies? Are we a one night stand? Dudes hate hearing this. Don’t ask us after we have sex or, it will be what you don’t want to hear. If we did like you and had okay sex, the memory is now ruined by your stupid question. If we like you, we’ll come back for seconds. If we tell you we love you within 3 months, it’s for the sex only. Just follow the rules and stop being such a typical chick.

With that being said, guys, believe it. There are chicks out there who water at the mouth just looking at your manness. We have egos for a reason. It’s because of these women. And I know you understand me. We can look at a dozen women in an hour but only one makes your little man stand at attention. The same goes for women. They can see a dozen men but only one makes her reach for a Kleenex. You may very well be that man. She may not have any of the aforementioned stupid questions for you. She may just want to live out every man’s dream and want to use you. Enjoy it. Step up to the plate with you’re A game. If you hit a homerun in the performance category, she will have to buy some travel pack Kleenex to keep in her purse when she knows you’ll be around. That also means you can hit it whenever you want. If she is one of these women, keep a special place in your heart for her. Know that she is a one in a million and bang the living shit out of her as often as possible. Women like that are very rare these days.

Note to women: Life isn’t all about puppies, kittens and angels. Become one of the women in the above paragraph. We know that you really do like to participate in naked activities. Save money on vibrators and use a real one. Bed buddies are acceptable as long as you are both enjoying it. What I find really funny about this is a lot of the women I have hooked up with have said at some point I don't do that or I have never done that. Those lines are lies. Humans are sexual, period. You've done it, you've thought about it and you want to do it. Deny it all you want. Humans are the only species on the planet that try to stick to one partner. Guess what? No matter how much you cry and act holy, it goes against biology. We all know that sex doesn't equal love so stop with the drama. It equals attraction and good times. All women need to be more like men. Let loose and stop worrying what it all means. You'll enjoy it.

4.) Step up to the plate fellas. If you want oral, you have to do it first. This formula makes sense and equals good stuff. Don’t make her ask and don’t ask, just do. Do your thing and then she will do hers. Once her work is done, the little yet almighty man will be ready to go at the appropriate time. If she does you first, he might not be ready once your work is done. Sometimes it takes too much concentration and the wrong head starts thinking in between the process.

5.) Foreplay. Postplay. Enough said. But for you dummies out there why settle for a one and done? If you can’t be back at it within five minutes, march your little man to the closest doctor and purchase some little blue pills. If you are under 50, a one and done is not acceptable under ANY circumstance. The same goes for the ladies. All you have to do is hit up your local pharmacy and buy some slippery magic lotion in aisle 2. Sex is meant to be good. Getting naked, going at it and calling it a night – who needs that? There’s really no point in leaving your bathroom and dropping your hand if you’re just going to follow the same gameplan. Sex with a partner is meant to be great. Make a night out of it. Participate in foreplay, a multi-position sex session, catch your breath, start it all over again. As many times as possible. The only exception to the rule reverts back to point 1. If he pops off to quick, she will laugh at your attempt for a second entry. And for the ladies, if you simply lay there we will not want seconds. If you do want seconds, don't make him do all the work.

I hope I've made my point